Just A Little Insane
by Infinite Snow
Summary: Celebratory 100th fanfiction: He always had a thing for poor, mad women. Katniss was no exception. T for suicidal themes. [Finniss]


She had lost it when she saw her best friends who were madly in love with each other get executed on live television before her very own eyes. Katniss lost a little piece of her sanity when she saw Annie's throat get slit and Peeta bleed to death on the television screen.

Snow was holding the bloody knife as he smiled wickedly and said, "This, Ms. Everdeen, is what happens when you breach my little peace."

Johanna and Finnick weren't at all prepared for what Katniss's reaction would be. Katniss lunged forward and punched the TV screen, breaking it, and distorting his ugly face for a fraction of a second before the screen went black.

Finnick grabbed her wrist and yelled, "Haymitch! Get the first aid kit!"

"Fishbrains, she's trying to cut herself!" Johanna yelled, pointing at Katniss who took advantage of his distraction and grabbed a glass shard and dragged it across her wrist being held in his hand.

He didn't hesitate to slap the shard out of her hand and held her immobile as she went hysterical. Doctors rushed from the double-doors and one jabbed a syringe of sleep syrup into her forearm. Her body went limp in his arms and the medical professional dragged her away from him. He knew from that moment on, his heart broke when he realized the love of his life had gone insane.

But then again, he always had a thing for poor, mad women. Katniss was no exception at all.

She had mourned for her two best friends. Neither of them were her lifelong friends like Gale is to her, but they meant a lot to her. Peeta had come to terms that she didn't love him back, and he had begun to move on with Annie. Annie had decided that she could only view Finnick as a close friend, maybe a brother and thankfully he didn't harbor romantic feelings for her too. And she had begun to fall in love with Peeta as well. They could've been perfect. And now they are gone.

"They're gone," Katniss murmured listlessly in her hospital bed, "They're gone, and THEY'RE NEVER EVER COMING BACK!"

Two nurses and a doctor flinched at her sudden outburst but wrote it off as some sort of mental illness she had. Once again, the mockingjay had been dubbed as 'mentally disable'. Meal time or general public appearances were how Peeta was treated when he was hijacked. Guarded by doctors who were armed with syringes. Of course, this time Johanna didn't question her 'fancy jewelry' or question if it was 'the latest trend in 13' to have such flashy bling and bodyguards.

Mockingjay has officially gone mad. Mad, mad with grief. And nothing could make her snap out of her loss.

After the war, Katniss almost contemplated on going back to her house in Victor's Village of 12. Maybe spend her days in confinement until she brings herself to finally kill herself and rid herself of all the pain she had been through. Maybe if she killed herself she could see her dad, Prim, Rue, Thresh, Cinna, Portia, Boggs, and so many more in this 'heaven' her father explained to her when she was little.

But, as always, there is a flaw to her plan. Finnick picked up on her suicidal hints and intercepted her plans as he ripped up her ticket to home. He grabbed her hand and their suitcases, leading them towards a train boarding for District 4.

Katniss's face was still impassive. Although she was peeved that he wouldn't leave her in silence, she knew 4 had beautiful oceans. She always wanted to see one, swim in one, and drown in one. The tips of her mouth quirked up and Finnick knew she was scheming her own death once again. And he realized he would have to keep a close eye on her.

He thought she was getting better. Katniss was talking, responding and overall just getting into the groove of everyday life. So, he thought he could leave her home alone while he went fishing. But he had invested faith in her too soon. When he came home with his fishing net filled of fish, his sight fell on her crumpled form on the kitchen floor.

In her outstretched arm was a bottle of painkillers. And the bottle was empty.

His trident dropped to the floor and the bag of fish heaved unceremoniously on the tiled floor as he picked her up and ran to the hospital, not bothering for an ambulance. Thankfully for him, but sadly for Katniss, she survived.

She had been furious that he tried to save her. She had been furious that he got in the way of her finally being reconnected with her father and everyone who she lost in her life. She was furious because she would never be able to say sorry to the tributes she killed in her Games and in the Quell.

" _They're dead! I know you miss them, and I know they mean a lot to you! But what about me? Why don't I mean anything to you?!" Finnick had cried, tears streaming down his cheeks in agony._

 _Katniss's cold silver eyes bored into his vivid green ones as she snapped, "Annie's gone. Don't you want to join her?"_

 _Annie's name sent a punch towards his stomach. Yes, he missed her, yes he cared about her. And yes, he loved her, but only like a sister. But if Katniss successfully killed herself, her death would destroy him in ways Annie's death didn't. Katniss's death would completely break him, tear at his sanity, and burn his will to live._

" _Everyone has lost someone. You have lost the most. But if I lose you, I lose myself," Finnick whispered, wrapping her into a tight hug, "Don't leave me, Girl on Fire. Don't ever leave me."_

 _A spark ignited in her dead grey eyes the moment he said that nickname, one that Cinna brought to life. She leaned her head on his shoulder and whispered, "I can't promise anything."_

He had taught her how to weave knots out of ropes, a way he had coped with the pressures the Capitol and Snow had placed on him during his nearly a decade worth of being a Victor. Even though she was horrible at knots, it did calm her down. Something about trying fruitlessly to untie the horrible knots made her reflect on her life: meaningless and messed up.

Katniss couldn't hunt much in 4 as she could in 12. But under Finnick's guidance, she could spear fish with a knife as long as she was in his direct gaze. Knowing she couldn't pull a stunt on him, she didn't do anything to self-harm. Or under his supervision that is.

Finnick was so proud that he had forgotten to ask her to give him back his knife. So, Katniss never mentioned the knife to him ever again. He never asked and continued to praise her catch (which she managed to catch them all through the eye, just like her bow and arrow), and her cooking that night during dinner.

Katniss chose a long-sleeved nightgown and after Finnick was asleep, she slipped into the bathroom where the diamond-blade knife was resting in a drawer underneath the box of all her hair supplies. Slipping it out and after gagging her mouth so Finnick can't hear her cries of pain, she dragged the knife and made several small cuts along her forearms.

The pain was intense with each drag of her blade, but the stinging pain was coupled with pleasure and her mind begged her to stop while her heart hissed for her to continue. Her mind begged her to stop for Finnick but her heart disregarded it and said he's better off without her.

A poor, mad girl who's suicidal. No one wants a girl like that, right?

When Katniss had cut herself enough, she washed the blade and placed it away. She bandaged her arms and drew her sleeves down. And went to bed. She thought he saw nothing but she was wrong. He was watching her come out the bathroom. And he knew she was self-harming.

The next day when she came to cut herself, the blade was gone. Finnick knew. And she was too afraid to ask him because she knew he would be disappointed in her for relapsing. And to be honest, she never understood why he would waste his time on someone like her.

His sea-green eyes always watched her, always documented her every move. If she could get hurt, his quick Victor reflexes darted out to save her. He was like her when she suddenly got out of the arena; wary of everything and trusting no one.

He couldn't trust her to not harm herself and she couldn't trust him to be blissfully unaware of her suicidal thoughts. The two were wary of eachother, scared the other would strike and end their plans once and for all.

Sometimes, if she pondered about it, Katniss felt like it was like a game of chess. In a dark sense, she felt like she and Finnick were playing the game, pretending like everything is alright when it really wasn't. They thought the other one was not suspecting but they were dead wrong. They were both acutely aware of each other's struggles, demons and battles. But they pretended like it was all fine.

They would take walks on the beach, have dates at the restaurant, make meals at home and do house chores together as a part of this 'façade' that all couples do this, then so should they! This is what constitutes a happy couple, two people doing things together without falling apart. But they were two broken puppets who trying to be each other's puppet master and guide them to the light when they couldn't move their own limbs to do so.

 _They were trying to save the other one when they couldn't even save themselves._

Sometimes when she was really down, she thought of them. She thought of all the people who died in her lifetime. The loved ones she lost, the tributes she killed and the people she saw die before her very own eyes in the Rebellion.

She thought about Peeta and the bread he gave her. He gave her hope to live on and never give up, when he endured a beating for helping her.

She thought of Annie, the poor mad woman who still hung on to any thread she could. No matter how horrible her life was, she never gave up on the idea that her happy ending was around the corner.

She thought about Prim and her smiles, hugs and kisses. How she would milk their goat, Lady, before school each day and how she would obsess over their ugly cat, Buttercup. She always saw the best angle of people. Sometimes Katniss wondered why Finnick fell in love with her. It's hard not to be attracted to Prim, really, despite the age.

She thought of Rue, her bravery even in the face of death. Sweet Rue who saved her life not once, not twice but three times. The first was tracker jackers, the second was when she nursed her back to health after she got stung and third time was her warning that Marvel snuck up behind them.

She thought of Marvel, Cato and Glimmer. Her three casualties and all were victors. They would never live normal lives because their bright futures were taken away from her. Because of her.

She pondered over Cinna, the sweet man who painted her as the Girl on Fire and later the Mockingjay. He gave her the voice to start the revolution and he sacrificed his life to make that happen.

She thought of Gloss, her second kill in the Quell. She didn't want to kill him but if she did, she would've been dead herself or he would've killed her allies.

She thought of Mags, the sweet lady who died so she and Finnick could move on.

She thought of Wiress who died shortly after giving her a helpful trick of how the Arena worked.

She thought of Boggs, the faithful leader of Squad 451, and right hand of Coin. He diligently followed Coin's orders when it was painfully obvious she was controlling his life and using him. He died as a chess piece instead of a free man. It was the saddest realization she came to.

Many more people died and she could go on and on about how she remembered each and every one of them, but she was too emotionally tired. It was supposed to be some sort of therapeutic way of coping with the war. She had thought if she came to terms with what happened, the people she lost, and justify their deaths as anything but her own fault, she could find some closure.

But the more she counted their names in her head like a casualty list, the more she began to blame herself and she knew the supposed self-therapy was having adverse consequences on her. She wasn't feeling better about herself, she was feeling much, much worse. And she had to do something about it.

Katniss waited a couple of months, until all the tension in the house had died down. Until Finnick didn't look so stressed anymore that she might do something to end her life. She couldn't know for sure if he truly trusted her to not trust himself, but she knew she couldn't live with herself. He deserves to be with someone who wants to live as much as he wants to live for her. His fire hasn't extinguished yet, but hers has. Whatever flicker of spark remaining from the raging flames of her era as Girl on Fire and Mockingjay is all snuffed out. She's a candle whose burnt out, completely used up with no ways to restart the fire. At the tender age of 18 she is a shell of a human being.

Finnick had hidden all the kitchen knives and prescription bottles. If she needed to take medicine or daily vitamins he would measure it out so she can't make a run for it and overdose herself to death. And he had begun to take up the household chores and making the meals because who knows? She might try to strangle herself with a cord or make herself bleed to death with a knife.

One day he slipped up again. As much as he tried to be careful, he couldn't foresee her plans. He had been somewhat convinced that Katniss was making an active effort to build herself up again and live life to its fullest. Maybe one of these days he could propose to her, who knows when that will be? But he knows that they could have a future together. So, he trusted her enough to stay in the house while he went for grocery shopping for their dinner.

Finnick always had a flaw. He trusted her too much and too soon.

And Katniss was thankful for this flaw, really. The moment he was out of the house and down the road to the marketplace, she seized the opportunity to run out of the house. She didn't care who saw her. She's probably sure she got the reputation of the 'crazy girl' around 4 anyways. No one should really suspect what she will do.

She got to the ocean. Standing a yard away from where the ocean touched the sand, she contemplated her possible suicide attempt she is considering. Then, shutting her eyes, she stepped into the water.

The ocean swallowed her up, gradually yet slowly swallowing her ankles, calves, thighs, waist, chest, neck and finally her head. When she was at chin-deep in the water, she contemplated the weight of her actions. She knew she was leaving Finnick behind. But he deserves a woman who hasn't gone insane like she had. He deserves a woman who will remain strong through all hardships, not someone who has given up like she had.

Katniss closed her silver eyes, for what she presumed would be the last time and dunked her head in the water. The air slowly left her lungs and immediately they fought for oxygen. She stepped even deeper into the ocean so that she can't escape even if she wanted to.

The current of the water around her got stronger as waves were trying to push her back to shore, yet drag her a little deeper into its arms. As she saw black dots in her vision, she distinctly heard panicked shouts and yells, some women screamed for help, pointing to her footprints leading up to the water.

Before she blacked out, she heard a splash. Someone had dived into the ocean after her. But she would never get to see who it was.

The next thing she felt was two hands pressing against her chest almost like they were doing compressions. Like how Finnick did it to Peeta in the Quell. Every several compressions, a pair of lips covered her own and forced air down her windpipe twice before compressing.

Eventually the ocean water was pumped out of her and the fire had crawled up her lungs to the point she was forced to take a breath. The person who was doing CPR on her stopped and scooped her up into a hug, crushing her form against their own. The first thing she saw was tan arms wrapped around her like a vice, so tight she felt like his hug was a second skin.

"Don't do that to me again!" Finnick scolded her after he had kissed every square inch of her face.

"Just let me go," Katniss protested, trying to struggle in his arms and jump back into the ocean, "Let me be cut out of this misery. You deserve a girl who wants to stay alive. You shouldn't have to be stuck with me."

"I didn't choose to be in love with you!" Finnick yelled, "You think this was a pick and choose process where before you're born you can choose what will happen in your life? Trust me if that's the case I would be living in a white castle with a wife and two perfect children. But nothing goes that way! I fell in love with you, and god damnit Katniss, I love you so much I would kill myself if you left!"

She didn't say anything back to what he said, but just went limp in his arms. She stared ahead blankly, maybe even longingly into the ocean that she wished she could jump into once more.

"I am not letting you go," Finnick said, catching on where her gaze was, "I am going to put you back together one piece at a time. No matter how long it takes to rebuild yourself, I will do it. Count on it, Katniss."

He took something from his pocket and produced a princess-cut infinity diamond. Turning towards Katniss, he said, "Part of rebuilding you is giving the family you were so reluctant to have during the Games. But now since we don't have the stress of the Games looming over our heads, we can do whatever we want. And I want you to surround yourself with your own family, and give you another reason why you should stay."

Her eyes watered and for the first time in several months, she showed a spark. It was very small but it ignited the moment he slipped her engagement ring onto her left ring finger.

She has someone who wants to spend his forever with her.

She has someone who loves and needs her in his life.

Even if her mom, Gale and the rest of the remaining victors are distant, she has one piece of rope connecting her to life. And she would hold onto the rope with all of her might.

 _-el fin-_


End file.
